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1. WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE WEASEL IN THE SONG "POP GOES THE WEASEL" TO MAKE HIM
GO "POP?"
A. He had a violent allergic reaction to prescription pain
killers.
B. He found out that his wife was actually his daughter.
C. It was the burrito he got for lunch.
2. WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF THE 20TH CENTURY?
A. Crotchless Panties.
B. The Wonder Bra.
C. The French Tickler Condom.
3. WHAT FACES ARE ON MOUNT RUSHMORE?
A. Four pictures of Hitler
B. Four professional Hitler celebrity look-alikes.
C. Three Hitlers and Hitler's dog Blondi.
4. "IMPOTENCE" IS...
A. An excuse to get out of doing it with a fat chick.
B. Camping tents for midgets.
C. Amnesia of the crotch.
5. ACCORDING TO THE FAMOUS BOB DYLAN SONG "THE ANSWER MY FRIEND
IS BLOWING..." WHAT?
A. Cause it needed the money.
B. Like a catholic girl at her first co-ed dance.
C. This question made me turgid.
6. WHAT IS THE FAMOUS "GOLD RUSH?"
A. When you smoke Columbian Gold pot - you get a "gold rush."
B. It's what the dog gives to a fire hydrant.
C. It's a new CD featuring the "Best Of..." the progressive
rock band Rush.
7. IS IT POSSIBLE TO EAT SO MUCH TOAST THAT YOUR TURDS COME
OUT AS BREAD?
A. Yes, it's called "pinching a loaf."
B. They say that Oprah can eat a loaf of bread and have it
all come out in one piece...a medical term called a Texas
Dump.
C. That's what they make pixie dust out of.
8. IF YOU EAT OUT AN ORIENTAL WOMAN...20 MINUTES LATER ARE
YOU HUNGRY FOR MORE CUNNINGLINGUS?
A. Mu Goo Guy Goo.
B. Sweet And Sour Hair Pie
C. Floating Goldfish.
9. A "COCK-A-POO" IS WHAT?
A. It's a mixed breed of dog.
B. It's a mixed breed of bird.
c. It's what one of the two guys winds up with after gay sex.
10. A KOTEX WALKS INTO A BAR AND SAYS:
A. Anybody got the right time of the month?
B. Give me a Bloody Mary.
C. Do you think I'm stuck up?
11. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS NOT ONE OF THE SO-CALLED "LINCOLN/KENNEDY"
COINCIDENCES?
A. Abe Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and JFK had a
secretary named Lincoln.
B. Lincoln Kennedy is the name of a famous offensive tackle
in the NFL.
C. Both Lincoln and Kennedy had their assasinations organizaed
by Richard Nixon.
12. WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO TIE A YELLOW RIBBON AROUND TO
WELCOME SOMEONE HOME?
A. Your favorite dildo.
B. Your daddy's favorite dildo.
C. Senator Bob Dole's right arm.
13. WHAT EXACTLY IS THE THIRD WORLD?
A. It is a new reality show on NBC.
B. It's an eighties coming of age movie where Jon Cryer falls
in love with a third trimester fetus.
C. It's the happy place where corporate America gets all its
magic profits from.
14. WHAT SHOULD YOU NEVER SAY TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
A. Have you gained weight?
B. Any swear word with the letter "U" in it.
C. Tell her about the steamy affair that you're having with
her sister.
15. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS NOT TRUE?
A. Just like the brain, humans use only ten percent of their
colons.
B. Smegma tastes like chicken.
C. Just like the human brain, Michael Jackson only uses ten
percent of his face.
16. A SLOW BOAT TO TUNA TOWN TRAVELS HOW FAST?
A. Twice as fast as a blood fart.
B. Faster than you can say "spank that ass!"
C. Faster than a bull dyke in a china shop.
17. WHAT IS THE "AMERICAN WAY?"
A. The same as-look the other way.
B. Big business is all that matters.
C. Sacrifice profit margins in the name of doing what's right.
18. THE BIBLICAL BOOK "DEUTERONOMY" IS ABOUT WHAT?
A. It's about a guy named Deuter."
B. It's about how women are naturally inferior to men.
C. It's a revelation about Noah's Ark really being a riverboat
casino.
19. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO "CUT A NUT?"
A. It's what you do after you cut a bolt.
B. It's the name of what happens right after you pay the hooker.
C. It's how they make peanut butter.
20. SHOULD A GIRL KISS ON THE FIRST DATE RAPE?
A. Only if she doesn't care if he respects her.
B. Only if there's no tongues.
C. Only if she knows she is clean and won't give her gent
a herpes.
21. WHEN WILL THE TEXTILE INDUSTRY STOP USING SWEAT SHOPS?
A. When Michael Jordan tells them to.
B. When Martha Stewart tells them to.
C. So long as there are people like Michael Jordan and Martha
Stewart they will always exist.
22. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
A. It's part of their contract.
B. Daddy took liberties.
C. Show me on the doll where he touched you.
23. WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE TO DRINK BEER?
A. Because of the care beer makers take in selecting only
the choicest hops.
B. Because of the consumer confidence inspired by born on
dating.
C. Because it takes the edge off your first gay encounter.
24. WHERE IS XANADU?
A. It's the name of that goofy ranch in So. California where
Michael Jackson lives.
B. It's in the artic wildlife refuge.
C. It's in my pants.
25. WHAT IS THE "BERMUDA TRIANGLE?"
A. It's the triangle version of "Spirograph."
B. It's my nickname for my ex-girlfriend's pooter.
C. It's the Carribean version of The Hollywood Squares.
26. BEETHOVEN'S FAMOUS SECRET "IMMORTAL BELOVED" TURNED OUT
TO BE WHO?
A. Diana, The Whale of Princesses.
B. Legendary folk singer Joan Baez.
C. Thomas Jefferson's slave girl.
27. WHY DO SOME HINDUS PUT A SMALL RED SPLOTCH ON THEIR FOREHEAD?
A. It's actually a Hindu nicoteen patch.
B. Hindus wear their traffic lights on their heads, sometimes
the splotches are yellow or green.
C. Someone is laser tagging them.
28. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DEHUMANIZED THESE DAYS?
A. It's cool to be dehumanized.
B. People are emulating their heroic political leaders.
C. The fact that you have contemplated this question will
be added to your N.S.A. file.
29. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?
A. Because I'm a blue ribbon piece of ass.
B. Cause someone told you I have a "nine."
C. Cause you saw me in the shower and you know I've got a
thick "nine."
30. IS IT TRUE THAT TO CREATE GREAT ART, ONE MUST SUFFER GREAT
PAIN?
A. No, all one need suffer is inconceivable lonliness.
B. No, all one must suffer is immense and ceaseless anguish,
regret and anxiety.
C. I don't know...ask the producers of Baywatch.
31. WHAT IS THE SHORTEST BOOK IN THE WORLD?
A. "Great Republican Intellects of the 20th Century."
B. "Famous Jewish Basketball Players."
C. "Great Philosophers of the 1990's"
32. WHEN IS A JAR NOT A DOOR?
A. To get to the other side.
B. When he sits around the house...he sits "around" the house.
C. You're with stupid.
33. ARE YOU FROM BANGKOK?
A. No, I just like saying "Bangkok."
B. No, "Bangkok" is my middle name.
C. No, it's just that I like getting to Bangkok occassionally.
34. WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN JESUS AND BUDDHA?
A. It's Jesus in Round 5.
B. Buddha with a TKO by Round 3.
C. If Jesus establishes the jab early-it could be a long night
for Buddha.
35. WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN AN ATHELETE SHOWS "SPUNK?"
A. He's just finished with his hooker.
B. He's just finished with his best friend's wife.
C. He's from Tennessee and he's just finished with his sister.
36. WHAT WAS THE MOVIE "THE COLOR PURPLE" ALL ABOUT?
A. One man's attempt to masturbate himself to death.
B. It's the Lorena Bobbitt story.
C. It was the third in the trilogy of movies starting with
"The Color Red" and "The Color Blue."
37. HOW ABOUT A GAME OF GOLF?
A. No thanks, I have to meet with my wet nurse.
B. Only if I can bring my wet nurse.
C. Do you know where I can find a good wet nurse?
38. WHAT WAS THE LAST GOOD BOOK YOU READ?
A. The Good Book.
B. Alice Doesn't Circle Jerk Here Anymore.
C. How To Score With A Boy Scout For Dummies.
39. IN KOREA WHEN THEY PET THE DOG THEY ARE ABOUT TO KILL
AND COOK UP FOR DINNER, ARE THEY "STROKING THEIR MEAT?"
A. That's a long way to go for a very stupid joke.
B. Gorilla My Dreams.
C. Hump your own leg stupid...I've got work to do.
40. IRONICALLY THE PHRASE "GANG BANG" ACTUALLY MEANS WHAT
IN ITALIAN?
A. Drinking man load through a crazy straw.
B. Backdoor compromises.
C. Location, location, location.
41. WHAT DISNEY CHARACTER HAS THE WORST COCAINE HABIT?
A. Pinnochio.
B. Dumbo.
C. Michael Eisner.
42. THE "SUPER BOWL" IS WHAT?
A. Proof that America's greatest cultural achievement is worthless.
B. A good vehicle to reallocate productivity into something
harmful with immense opportunity costs.
C. Ultimately who's fault is it that we live in such a repressed
state?
43. WHAT IS THIS CRAZY QUIZ REALLY ALL ABOUT?
A. It's an effort to get you to realize that freedom is a
price you pay, not a phrase you say.
B. It's my convoluted way to score with chicks.
C. Satire. The topics referenced in this quiz are intentionally
brutal to connect in a meaningful way to those of you sensitive
enough to realize how many horrible things our culture has
created...so you wake up, and act to help save yourselves
and those worthy of true compassion.
44. WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
A. There are no good people...only good guns.
B. Good people experience bad things cause they don't wipe
properly.
C. Opposites attract.
45. SUCKER PUNCH YOUR GRANDMA IN THE BREAST...
A. Dude, your grandma's got primo jugs!
B. Your grandma's a walking blow job.
C. Your grandma has projectile orgasms.
46. IN THE FUTURE IF MORLOCKS CONTROL THE EARTH, HOW DID THEY
DEFEAT THE FREEMASONS?
A. They will team up with the Scientologists.
B. They will find a way to neutralize George Bush Sr.
C. They will discover a way to turn solid waste into lasers.
47. HOW DO YOU START OFF YOUR MORNING RIGHT?
A. Coffee Enema.
B. The Three "S's."
C. Change you wet bed sheets.
48. WHY IS SEX AND VIOLENCE SO MUCH FUN?
A. There's nothing more fun than blowing the legs off a homeless
lady while she's right in the middle of having a powerful
set of mutiple orgasms...there just isn't.
B. Sex and violence isn't really all that fun, it's just that
everything else in this world is so horrible.
C. It's cause of the hot meat.
49. PASS THE SOAP...
A. Whoops, I dropped it!
B. Don't touch me there...
C. Oh God, you're thick!
50. IN THE MOVIE "WHERE THE BOYS ARE," WHERE ARE THE BOYS?
A. In the can.
B. In the free clinic.
C. In the steam room giving each other deep tissue massage.
51. WHAT EXACTLY DID DAVID KORESH AND THE BRANCH DAVIDIANS
DO TO HAVE THE U.S. GOVT. INCINERATE THEM INSIDE THEIR WOOD
FRAME COMPOUND?
A. They advocated the use of medical marijuana.
B. They advocated the legalization of same sex polygamy.
C. David Koresh was one of the founding members of The Starland
Vocal Band.
52. WHEN IS IT APPROPRIATE TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR BREATH STINKS?
A. After the John has paid you the $200.00 bucks.
B. After you catch them making out with the family dog.
C. I never made it without biting...let's go ask Mr. Owl.
53. HOW DID MARTHA STEWART BECOME SO POPULAR?
A. Chief amongst her powers are the element of surprize and
a fanatical devotion to the Pope.
B. Droning voice and aire of superiority appeals to suburbanite
zombies.
C. Corporations know she is so lifeless that it makes the
commercials seem exciting.
54. THE TERM "OREO COOKIE" SIGNIFIES WHAT SOCIALLY?
A. That blacks can be sell outs just as well as whites.
B. People find life is easier when they can stereotype and
generalize.
C. The Philip Morris tobacco company is now the second largest
food company in the world.
55. DOES THIS QUESTION BREAK THE FOURTH WALL?
A. I don't know what do you think?
B. No, the fourth was was broken when I got here.
C. Badges...we don't need no stinkin' badges!
56. AT WHAT AGE IS IT APPROPRIATE TO START HAVING SEX WITH
YOUR OWN DAUGHTER?
A. After she gets off life support.
B. As soon as she has "The Visitor."
C. Who cares...just take it!
57. WHY DO CATHOLIC PRIESTS TAKE A VOW OF CELIBACY?
A. Cause they can't remember all the words to the vow of perversion.
B. The greatest threat to the Catholics is the drain on fresh
young boy meat away from the church by Michael Jackson.
C. Nothing...and I mean nothing is a bigger turn on than breaking
a celibacy vow...now, that's one spicy meatball!
58. IF A DOCTOR TELLS YOU THAT YOU ONLY HAVE THREE MONTHS
TO LIVE, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
A. Shoot him and tell the cadaver a bedtime story.
B. Run out and see Riverdance...you don't want to miss it.
C. Have sex with AIDS victims.
59. MAN GRIPS PENIS:
A. Man on man sponge bath.
B. Deep tissue masturbation.
C. Feast on my man gunk!
60. WHY DO THEY CALL GOLF THE "SWEET SCIENCE."
A. Because golf balls are actually made out of hardened sugar.
B. Because the name of the man who invented golf was Angus
Sweet.
C. Because it gives men a place where they can tell their
wives they'll be for four or five hours while they're really
visiting the prostitute.
61. IS IT REALLY BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE?
A. Yes, especially if you are in prison.
B. You want to put your fist...where?!?
C. No, let's be honest...it's much better to receive.
62. WE ALL KNOW THAT "SOYLENT GREEN" IS PEOPLE, BUT WHAT IS
SOYLENT BROWN MADE FROM?
A. It smells like feces.
B. It tastes like feces.
C. Sure glad I didn't step in it.
63. WHERE IS THE MOST POPULAR PLACE FOR TEENAGERS TO HAVE
SEX?
A. In a car.
B. In a motel room.
C. In the mouth.
64. WHAT IS A "DIRTY SANCHEZ."
A. It's the new cartoon series from the producers of Pokemon.
B. He's the latest ad campaign gimmicky mascot for Corona
Beer.
C. Men Are From Mars; Women Are From Penis.
65. ARE YOU A PRACTICING HOMOSEXUAL?
A. No, I don't need anymore practice...I'm already good at
it.
B. Yes, but I'm not married to it.
C. No, I'm a practicing Bi-Curious.
66. IS "PAYOLA" A THING OF THE PAST?
A. No, my kid colors with them all the time.
B. No, but now they call it product placement.
C. No, in fact nothing refreshes like an ice cold Payola.
67. WHEN A CHICK SAYS SHE'LL "LOVE YOU FOREVER," WHAT SHE
REALLY MEANS IS:
A. Although she doesn't mind the attention, you'll be history
the minute something better comes along.
B. You've got a really big codpiece.
C. She's got at least two other boyfriends on the side.
68. WHERE IS THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT LOCATED?
A. It's in my pants.
B. It's in your hand.
C. Oh look! Now it's in your mouth...gurgle...gurgle!
69. WHY DON'T YOU DO THE WORLD A FAVOR AND KILL YOURSELF?
A. My HMO doesn't cover suicides.
B. I tried to kill myself once, but I missed and killed a
busload of crippled school kids instead.
C. How about if I start by killing a bus load of school kids?
70. WHY HASN'T THE DISNEY COMPANY RE-RELEASED THE MOVIE "SONG
OF THE SOUTH?"
A. Cause it shows how casually racism was accepted once in
this country.
B. The Disney Company while still actively pro-white is at
this point only passively anti-black.
C. Uncle Remus fists a bluebird during the finale.
71. THE PHRASE "PEEL AND EAT" IS TRADITIONALLY ASSOCIATED
WITH WHAT?
A. Fornication.
B. Sex with midgets.
C. Aborted fetus.
72. WHY DO THEY CALL IRON MAN "IRON MAN?"
A. Because he used to work at a dry cleaners.
B. Because he leads a life full of "irony."
C. Because of some convoluted mishigas.
73. INSTEAD OF A CARPENTER, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A LIVING
IF HE WERE LIVING TODAY?
A. Customer Service.
B. Medical Dental Assistant.
C. He would be the person in the Barney costume.
74. TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH...
A. Hello sailor!
B. Going my way?
C. You just pushed the right button cowboy.
75. WHAT ACTIVITY IS MOST COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH THE TERM
"LAST CALL."
A. A night at the brothel.
B. A night searching the web for fresh boy meat.
C. An afternoon of searching the playground for fresh boy
meat.
76. WHAT IS "THE NATURE OF THE BEAST?"
A. Sell out and conform to the global corporate aesthetic.
B. Build more prisons-sell more guns.
C. Consume when and how you're told to.
77. WHAT IS GRAFT?
A. He's the black private dic who's a sex machine with all
the chicks.
B. It's what you call something after you put it on a graph.
C. It's an old form of political corruption now known as "lobbying."
78. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU COMBINE AN ELEPHANT WITH A 400
POUND BAG OF EXCREMENT?
A. Oprah.
B. A lifesize replica of Oprah.
C. A snack for Oprah.
79. WHY IS THE PEEHOLE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE HUMAN
ANATOMY?
A. Because everything it touches turns to gold.
B. There's no "I" in "Brown Eye."
C. Location, location, location.
80. WHICH TRAVELS FASTER: DIARRHEA OR PROJECTILE VOMIT?
A. Diarrhea.
B. Projectile vomit.
C. Nobody's ever been able to complete the testing.
81. WHEN ARE WOMEN GOING TO GET EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK?
A. The day after computers destroy all mankind.
B. The day after they announce that Nutri-Sweet causes aneurisms.
C. They day that they actually deserve it.
82. WHERE IS THE BATHROOM AROUND HERE?
A. The bathroom is deep inside everyone of us.
B. Bathroom is as bathroom does.
C. The bathroom is gone, you'll have to use my mouth.
83. WHAT COMES AFTER 93 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL IN THE
SONG "99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL?"
A. Double penetration gang bang.
B. The commie tampon gets no food.
C. Bi-Curious George and the Fem in The Yellow Party Hat.
84. WHAT ARE THE TOP 5000 HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIES OF ALL TIME?
A. Blackula.
B. The Miracle Worker, Boxcar Bertha and Tora Tora Tora.
C. Your sister's a gay rod.
85. WHAT BIG TIME HOLLYWOOD MARRIAGES WERE DONE TO COVER UP
FOR ACUTE HOMOSEXUALITY?
A. Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.
B. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.
C. Ellen DeGeneres and Harvey Fierstein.
86. EINSTEIN'S "THEORY OF RELATIVITY" STATES:
A. Mass times the speed of light equals an object's volume.
B. The energy of an object at rest equals the rate of gravity
divided by its atomic weight.
C. The angle of the dangle is proportional to the heat of
the meat.
87. WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN SMOKEY THE BEAR AND WOODSEY
THE OWL?
A. Jesus would show up and the three of them would start up
a three way sex orgy.
B. I never made it without biting...let's go ask Mr. Knob
Gobbler.
C. Oh yeah...why don't you put your mouth where your penis
is!
88. DO YOU KISS YOUR MOTHER WITH THAT MOUTH?
A. Yes...and I also fornicate her with it.
B. Mom likes it deep.
C. Murdoch...this time I'm coming for you.
89. WHAT DOES THE PHRASE "ICH BIN EIN BERLINER" MEAN?
A. It was the colossally unsuccessful follow up to the Taco
Bell dog phrase after "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" fizzled.
B. It's what Glenda the Good Witch had Dorothy say in the
Wizard of Oz while she was clicking her heels.
C. It's the name of a grade school drinking game.
90. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO GET BUZZED?
A. Bong Hits.
B. Licking toads.
C. Eating decayed strips of Princess Di's festering corpse.
91. DO SPACE CREATURES REALLY EXIST?
A. God is from outer space...isn't he?
B. Beef...it's what's for dinner.
C. As long as I have a fist ...you'll always have a place
to sit.
92. "INTRO TO ECONOMICS" IS A COLLEGE LEVEL COURSE WHOSE MAIN
FOCUS REGARDS THE STUDY OF WHAT?
A. Syphalis in it's late stages.
B. Spastic colons and the women who love them.
C. English as a second language.
93. WHICH MOVIE WAS NOT DIRECTED BY FRANK CAPRA?
A. It's A Wonderful Sex Life.
B. Mr. Smith Goes To Wash His Clothes.
C. Who Do You Gotta Blow Around Here To Get Some Service.
94. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN A JUNKIE?
A. Since last night.
B. The Bikini Wax Club For Men.
C. Late Night With David Letter-Junkie.
95. HOW DO YOU DRIVE BRITTANY SPEARS CRAZY?
A. Put her in a round room and tell her there's a penny in
the corner.
B. Tell her that her ass is starting to droop.
C. It's impossible, you'd have nothing to work with.
97. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS NOT A FAMOUS THREE STOOGES
GAG?
A. I'll gouge your eyes out!
B. I'll go BM on your chest chowder head.
C. I'll yank your colon out and make you wear it like a belt
numbskull.
98. IF I SAID YOU HAD A BEAUTIFUL BODY WOULD YOU HOLD IT AGAINST
ME?
A. Not on a bet.
B. You are a living brain fart.
C. Tap that ass.
99. ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?
A. Obey the Cow God.
B. Anal Nitrate.
C. Australian Rules Coke Snorting.
100. What?
A. Nothing...I was just talking to myself.
B. I'm on the phone here!!!
C. You heard me.
More
Coming Soon!
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