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Ang Lee's fantasmagorical tour de farce about honor, mysticism
and bi-curiosity, Crouching Tiger Hidden Drag Queen, is probably
one of the greatest transgendered action-adventure films ever!
You will get so enthralled with this captivating and hypnotic
tale that you will actually feel the razor burn. This movie will
make you laugh, cry and fall in man on man love all over again...
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Before there was Rosanne, before there was a Kathy Lee Gifford,
before there was a Hugleys...America's beloved TV family was featured
on the classic 50's sitcom, Leave It To Beaver Shot. Premiering
in 1954, this half hour show featuring 28 minutes of muff and
2 minutes of plot was just what this country needed to escape
from such troubling world events as the United States overthrowing
of the Guatamalan government or the invention of "bacon bits."
In later years, "Beaver" proved to be innovative and groundbreaking
as 99% of all American television converted to 28 minutes of cheesecake
and 2 minutes of plot.
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Finally the Walt Disnee Corporation has allowed itself to adjust
for the younger maturity rates imposed on our youth by the devolution
of our societal morality. The line in the sand has not only been
crossed with their latest animated full length feature...it has
been befowled! Beauty And The Yeast is a re-telling of the now
classic Disnee vehicle, with only one difference...this time girlfriend
is baking a loaf of bread in the basement. The two go on a musical
search for the mystical tibetan cranberry juice which would provide
her only cure. The marvelous Disnee DVD features an instructional
video on how ten year old kids can score and use crack cocaine...clearly
Disnee is back!!!
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Tom Hanks hasn't fondled this much infant penis since the legendary
classic Hanks/Spielberg flick Joe Versus The Volcano! Hanks in
fact is so convincing appearing here as a Moil responsible for
the delicate religious ceremony of Jewish circumsition, that you'd
think that he had a great wealth of prior experience removing
the foreskin of male babies in a ritualistic setting. While many
thought the second half of the movie featuring 2 hours of graphic
scenes of Hanks and Meg Ryan in Africa circumsizing women to prevent
them from feeling sexual pleasure in brutally painful operations
done without anesthetic was a little over the top...most felt
that Ryan/Hanks twosome represents a rebirth of the classic movie
couple not seen since Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.
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Sure blind people are lesser human beings than the sighted...sure
they have probably done something awful to someone to have deserved
to have their sight taken...of course they are looked upon as
half a person or "Satan Fodder" by God...but that doesn't mean
that they don't like to get laid! Everyone does, in fact sex is
the only thing in America that isn't sposored by some corporation.
Those without sight however have always faced the problem of having
their meat crushed by the careless lover as the heightened remaining
senses of the blind allow them to be tigers in the boudoir! Now
with the distinctive white shaft and red tip of Condoms for the
Blind, those whores will be mindful of the ramrod even after you
get them off in raging cluster orgasms!
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Who can forget that seminal moment in the late 1970's when video
games and gay people first surfaced in American culture. Q-Bert,
Donna Summers, Donkey Kong, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Pong,
Amyl Nitrate...it seemed like everyone was either building up
a score or building up the courage! Now the only video game to
combine all the best aspects of gaming and gaity is back on the
market available now as game cartridge for your Into-endo Game
Tube or Gaystations...its Fudge Pac-Man!!! You are in control
of the turgid joystick as Fudge Pac Man gobbles up and swallows
little white globules on his cyber-fantasy voyage first date with
Hollywood legend Ed Asner.
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Not since the New York Times revealed your pet cat was a transsexual
has the world seen a blockbuster event as big as the release of
Tom Cruise’s latest movie spectacular, Emission Impossible.
This transforming tale takes us, the viewer, on a roller coaster
thrill ride as a limp hosed Cruise makes his way from bed to bed
of various hottie chicks in a secret mission to cure his impotence.
Millions of dollars in special effects that were spent to show
Tom’s giggle-stick struggling to get perky are ground breaking.
Director John Woo shows us a man, driven to desperation, willing
to go to any length to get some length. We actually feel Tom’s
pain as he tries child porn, incest, 2 on 1 and even trying to
do a woman in a coma to no avail as good old “Inspector
Gadget” remains on vacation. Only when Tom is confronted
in the movie’s improbable ending with a gay encounter are
we allowed to see Cruise’s meat whistle don its purple love
helmet and reach its full potential. The computer graphics employed
during the film’s climactic money shot are not to be believed.
This film will leave you with a “thumbs” up as well.
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Finally a T.V. series designed for the latent queer lying dormant
in every yuppie, it’s I Dream of Weenie. Major Nelson, a
burly navy man with big feet, finds a mysterious bottle while
on a mission for NASA. Wishing the bottle was full of Kahlua,
Nelson pops the cork only to find the bottle is the housing for
a trapped magic mustachioed genie named Flamer. The freed genie
becomes bottom to Nelson’s top and the two set out for a
life at Major Nelson’s home in South Beach Miami. After
the first few episodes we find that the genie frees something
as well when Major Nelson realizes that he is not just trade,
but a full blown bi-curious male. The antics of these two girly
men encounter even further complications as NASA’s chief
psychiatrist, Dr. Blow Me, goes to extreme lengths to prove Major
Nelson’s true identity as a fruit cobbler which would have
him disbarred from NASA’s free lunch program. Flamer the
genie pulls a few tricks and our space age wacky couple wind up
just barely keeping one step ahead of the pathetic neo facist
and war/hate mongering Dr. Blow Me who never seems to have big
enough brass ones to outwit and out the increasingly effeminate
Nelson. Check out the fabulous spin off from this series “A
Few Good Sea Men” on the Must See B.S. CBS line-up starting
this fall.
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In a world led by governments clearly unwilling to do anything
whatsoever to actually stop the illegal drug trade, it’s
probably best to start your kids off early in life with a relationship
with drugs that can at least be one with moderation. Famous composer
Henry Mancini serves as technical consultant to a series of books
that transpose Dr. Seuss themes into children’s stories
about friendly drug pushers and the positive side of narcotics.
Horton Hears A Hooka is the first of a dozen books reconfigured
to train children to accept their fate as cattle for the mainstream
drug trafficker establishment. Other books in the group include
Hop On Hop Head, The Cat On The Coke, One Pill Two Pills Red Pills
Blue Pills and Trannies Ate My Homework. In “Horton”
a hippy dippy elephant named Horton uses his gigantic ears to
follow the bubbling sounds of a water pipe somewhere in his neighborhood.
After years of busting into the wrong apartments, Horton finally
finds the source of the tempting sounds and joins in with his
new found friend to do massive bong loads of hash and other alkaloid
derivatives of the hemp plant. Soon to be released sequels include:
Horton Does A Line, Horton Buys A Lid, Horton Hears An Ambulance
and Horton Blows His Dealer.
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Relationships…you can’t live with them, you can’t
be considered a relevant and productive member of society without
them. It is with this in mind that Arthur C. Clarke the author
of such science fiction classics as “2001: A Space Odyssey”
and “I’m The Guy That Wrote 2001” has composed
what is easily and immediately the relationship bible, “Men
Are From Mars Women Are From Penis.” The book works on the
premise that draws analogies which contend that the psyches of
men have been developed and driven by base and instinctual needs
for self actualization that have roots in primitive conflict ideals
for survival…or Mars, and women are driven by a need for
the foaming beef probe. While men crave struggle, women crave
the ramrod. Men are searching for themselves in response to the
aspiration for power in every relationship; be it emotional or
economic, women are searching for a guy with a table leg for a
pocket rocket. “Men Are From…” has also inspired
the soon to be released first books to examine relationships between
fags. The book for man on man relationships is “Pitchers
Are From Mars…Catchers Are From Uranus” and the lesbian
version “Bull Dykes Are From Mars…Fems Are From Labia”
are already being hailed. Never before have the complex nuances
that drive the basic immoral and criminally insane homo relationship
been so profoundly over-simplified. Look…life doesn’t
have to be so hard, but it’s better than a life that is
limp.
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Before
the destruction of art in America starting in the early 1980’s,
there was a thing called creativity. The era spawned some works
of engaging curiosity. Movies showed people of different races
mixing, they showed people operating in a world other than one
dominated by a white bread suburban ethos, they even showed people
in positions of power to be corrupt. It is from this delusional
time of “individuality” that we have been left the
1950’s classic tribute to zombie fornication “One
Nighter Of The Living Dead.” This movie features the sexploits
of several “undead” people getting a little nookie
from their warm blooded living counterparts. Just because they
are cold and clammy doesn’t mean they can’t get hot
blooded. The head of the zombies are played with incredible accuracy
and without any make up by cold, lifeless and emotionally bereft
Hollywood actors that have been sleepwalking through their roles
for years: Garry Shandling and Arnold Schwartzeneggar. You don’t
want to miss a moment of this classic tale of log rolling and
zombie bird dogging. Casual sex has a new name…and this
movie is guaranteed to deliver the fat chubby payload!
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Variety is the spice of life. So why not perk up your spice hole
a little with the variety included in the wondrous Swiss Army
Vibrator. This device is a Godsend to people who have had their
auto-erotic sex life get too predictable and staid. The Swiss
Army Vibrator comes outfitted with several different arrays of
device configurations, one to suit ever type of need and desire.
Pseudo-lover packages include: The Lady Swiss with all the dildos
necessary to get the society gal to scream “uncle,”
the “Don’s Ask Don’t Tell Army Vibrator”
with a variety of Teflon coated gay dildos, the “T-Vibe”
designed for the special needs of T-Girls and the girly men who
love them and of course the all time best seller “The Black
Death” combo with extra lengthy magnum sized packages for
the person that wants to take a little walk on the wild side.
This makes for the perfect gift for any occasion and its a great
stocking stuffer. Order now and receive a coupon for 1 free hour
of sex with a body double of Richard Nixon as featured in the
movie Amistad. Love isn’t a right, it’s an obligation.
Do yourself…do yourself raw!
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In Jewish the word “motorcycle” means both peace and
hello. That’s why the people at Mogen Davidson believe so
strongly that the ride for the modern day Israeli needs to haul
ass big time! This is the first cycle designed by jews for jews.
They’ve got such designs you could plotz. Some of the available
features include: genuine cow leather saddlebags with laminated
Talmud fit for any weather the road might throw at it; Star of
David gas cap for the Zionist aficionado; solid gold mezuzah;
or the mother-in-law air tight sound proof side car option package
insulated with up to six inches of sound absorbing material capable
of muffling the noise level equivalent of up to three commercial
jet airliners. Let the goyim beware however, because the amazing
Mogen Davidson Motorcycle’s Yiddish designers have insured
a kosher clientele by disabling the engine on a timer so that
it will not even start on Saturdays, the Jewish Sabbath. So what
are you waiting for? You should only go out and get one already!
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Girls and boys alike will get a much needed introduction to the
fun and exciting world of gaity and buggery with this cracker
jack little whippersnapper of a doll, the “Tickle Me Homo”
doll. In the colorful world created by the vast and imposing repression
of modern day suburbia, your doomed children are going to be flocking
towards alternative lifestyles in droves in an effort to find
some edifice to replace the giant empty hole left inside them
from having been raised in a surface minded society by people
driven towards conformity with more gusto than Marlon Brando running
for refills at the buffet table. The Homo doll entertains as it
teaches the morays and social idioms of the Dutch boy, and before
you know it your kid could be a dyed in the wool butt farmer just
like some of your favorite social icons and closet case family
members. Many former children that have played with Tickle Me
Homo have gone on to become famous such as: Harvey Fierstien,
Whitney Houston, John Ashcroft, Chastity Bono, Marv Albert, Ben
Affleck and Cindy Crawford. Other lucrative careers that doll
owners have gone on to include: Manhole Inspector, Gravy Chef,
Boy Scout Troop Leader and Male Escort. Lock in your kids to a
successful future right away, get them started with their own
Tickle Me Homo doll or the new Tickle Me Homo with Kung-Fu Grip
Mouth? today.
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The opening salvo in the immortal J.R.R. Token classic trilogy
is a winner on every level. This odyssey features the determined
and heroic quest of a magical sprite named Carlos as he extorts,
murders and sells his sister into a an army of lesbo mercenaries
in order to build his evil empire of colossal drug traders. Carlos
and his band of minions carry out a drug war and seek to subdue
the world for their master, The Queen Of England. They’re
armed to the teeth with weapons which include but are not necessarily
limited to: high caliber automatic firearms with cop killer armor
piercing bullets, stinger missiles, water balloons filled with
toxic black mold, a collection of various flair items featuring
the likeness of Sporty Spice from the Spice Girls and various
sized canisters filled with the deadly gas carbon monoxide. All
in all it’s a good movie, but truth be told, I liked the
book better.
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Face it ladies, there are few people in this world that can say
they love anything more than sex with vegetables…and now
its gotten ten times better with new French Tickler Cucumber from
Prod Products. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman;
we here at Prod Products have taken it to the next level. We used
lots of scientific tools like genetic modifications and cross-pollination
to create our perfect sexual device, but the secret ingredient
is love. Available in a plethora of sizes and textures, after
mere moments with this hypnotic fellah the only question on your
mind wont be “Where’s The Beef?” it will be
“Where’s The Veggie.” Buy a “pound”
today…and you’ll never say “Hold The Pickle”
again.
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It’s Friday night and you and your friends, ex-lovers and
hangers on have little more to do than suck each other off for
the umpteenth time. You’re tired of the same old bull crap
on TV, at the movies and at the brothel…you need something
different…something to rekindle your love for aberrant behavior
and deviant sexual practices. Well The Blow Men Group is the “attraction”
tailor made for your “rear action.” This ground breaking
play features a putrescent blend of erotica, daisy chains, post
modern kitsch and live abortions that will bend you over and greek
you rotten. But don’t take my word for it…here are
some satisfied customers…wait a second…I’m the
only one here. Alright well you’ll have to take my word
for it after all. The Blow Man Group in fact is more fun than
sex in the prison shower…come to think of it; it is sex
in the prison shower. That and a “hole” lot more.
Never has one show gotten more mileage out of penis and brown
eye jokes. And if you don’t come to see it we will come
and bury you in a grave made from your own feces.
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In 1878 Alexander Graham Bell sets the world on his ear with the
stunning invention of the doggie door; in 1925 Marie Curie revolutionizes
science with his under whelming creation, Two-Ply Toilet Paper;
1954 the cause of urban sprawl is given a much needed shot in
the ass with the unveiling of Morry Lipshutz’s invention
of the modern day egg roll…now in the tradition of these
great ingenious accomplishments comes the greatest invention of
them all…Flubber Condoms! Sure to be recognized as the greatest
work of unbridled inspiration since God was created by whatever
God was created by, or even greater perhaps than the decision
to cast Robert Vaughan in the lead role for the 1960’s T.V.
series “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” You however, made
dull witted by years of systematic degradation of your society’s
education and media’s social engineering, will not likely
accept or even recognize the greatness of this singular achievement
and will go about your life forever empty, spiritually bereft
and emotionally delusional hanging onto to habitual behavior patterns
instead of creating your own emotional connections to your world
and those you care about: all for the sake of ease and to allay
any fears you might have that actually feeling something or being
an individual will make you an outcast in a world gone queer for
dehumanization.
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Not since your cloistered days in the befouled womb of your tragically
diseased and sexually promiscuous mother will you have found the
level of suspended disbelief that will envelop you under the hypnotic
spell cast upon you by Misfortune Cookies. Designed and written
by the psychically imbued Chinese descendants of peasant coolies
that built the last legs of the intercontinental railroad in America
in the late 19th century, these whimsical and tasty treats come
replete with a message guaranteed to predict individual maladies
that are pre-destined to befall you. In fact these prediction
will prove to be so intense and accurate that you will find yourself
frozen in fear at the mere thought of carrying on without them.
Once long after your birth, I stumbled across your mother in a
homeless shelter and in a fit of passion I tore out her uterus
and had sex with it back at my hotel room for a solid week. I
still use it today as a hot water bottle! Why am I telling you
this now? Because….Luke, I am your father!
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Tired of watching mainstream network television’s shabby
treatment of women suffering from chronic heavy flow? Sure you
are, but now you can be truly discouraged as what was once only
neglect in this area as now become a profoundly disturbing misogynistic
distasteful mess of a T.V. series. The Cotton Club features a
cornucopia of women in the throws of severe catamenial discharge.
All’s not quiet on the Western Front as these babes claw
and scratch their way through the monthly flux. From the producers
who brought you the hit series Sex In The City and The Smurfs,
you’ll be caught up in the magical journey of four women
at high tide. After mere moments of this show you are sure to
become an autistic empathic psychologist and professional Liza
Minelli celebrity impersonator. Your body will also mutate into
the same liquid metal form that the bad robot in Terminator 2
had and you will go on a crusade to bring an end to the use of
chamomile tea in Provo, Utah. Laugh damn you or we’ll kill
your dog…
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As the wonders of our miraculous industrial age become more and
more burdensome and the dangers of a world driven to the brink
of total insanity and staggering pollution levels by the purveyors
of the military industrial complex, we will have less time for
life’s simple joys such as…the Sunday drive, stamp
collecting, watching the movie My Dinner With Andre or amateur
vivisections. Soon we’ll not even have time for that most
American of traditions…sport sex. Well with washing the
kids, sending the car off to school, fighting with the utility
company to correct your July billing, producing a revival of the
stage play Equus, traffic jams, botched stomach stapling procedures,
homework, the bus is late…not today of all days, lynchings
and forearm shivers…most of us no longer have the time to
look at relieving the man load as the leisurely process it was
for our fore flushing forefathers. Now with OrgasMcDonalds, the
legendary new drive through one stop sex depot, you can get your
rocks off and clean the pipes before you can say the word “spooge.”
And choose from any of the items from our new value menu featuring
such treats as The $0.99 Hot Water Hummer, the butthole to mouth
oral, Dollar Douches, and the Queer Medley which features fisting,
felching, taint massage and your choice of gerbil or hamster in
a ziplock sandwich bag. Also you can super size any of our value
meal items to “swallow” level for just an additional
$0.40.
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Take a trip through memory lane with the greatest 2nd trimester
band of all time, The Foetals. These immortal songs will sound
fresh as ever with our new digital stereo ultra-sound remixing.
The “Scab Four” squeak and squeal their prenatal grunts
and sputterings with such conviction and energy that they simply
take today’s modern pre-boy bands to the woodshed. On songs
like “I Wanna Hold Your Flipper” or “You’ve
Got To Hide Your Love Of Gays” The Foetals prove time after
time that they have their cytoplasm on the pulse of society like
no other band before or since. With the tragic premature loss
in 1980 of Foetal member John Doe to hanger, this re-issue is
a fitting tribute by letting the music speak for itself. It is
unclear if there will ever be a band as successful and talented
as this ever again, what is clear though is that the corporations
that would exploit them will be as heartless and misguided as
can be; leaving little doubt that the sole objective of corporate
executives in America is so dehumanized and so criminally insane
that it would be a miracle if anyone in America survives with
their souls intact.
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